In addition to new foobs, I get another biopsy on Friday to find out if the cancer is gone or not. I find myself plagued by strange dreams. Suddenly I’m on the free throw line in the NCAA finals, we’re down by 1 and there’s no time left on the clock. It’s up to me if we’re going to win, tie or lose and the other coach is trying to freeze me out by using up his timeouts one after another. I wait and wait and wait, knowing that I’m horrible at free throws and imagining every possible outcome. I wake up exhausted.
Anxiety has been my nemesis for the past 6 months. She steals my sleep and winds up my brain until its running in an endless loop of scenarios. She picks away at my logic center brilliantly, whispering “what if?” over and over. She puts the things I love the most in front of my mind’s eye and then takes them away so I almost start to panic over a loss that has not happened. She flashes pictures of my son’s future without a mother in front of my face daily. Anxiety is a bitch. She takes what I love about the future, the mystery of it, and makes it seem dark and scary.
But not right now. The coffee is hot and the sun is shining. I own today and I get to choose what I’m going to do with it and what I’m going to think about. I remind myself that I love the unknowns, the changes and the challenges. Whatever happens on Friday I will be OK.
“life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all” – Helen Keller.
Yoga Sutra 1.36
There is always a light within us that is free from all sorrow and grief, no matter how much we may be experiencing suffering.
Love you and good luck!
just so you know, I love you.
We’re all praying for you Jenny! And you will be ok.
You are one strong woman who can handle whatever is thrown your way!! Good Luck and let me know if you need anything even if it’s just a little company. love ya!!
Yes! Whatever happens on Friday, you will be OK.