My Left Tata

My week of recovery and reflection is almost over.  I’ve started working again, I’m off the drugs and planning to make a cheese ball for a gathering on Sunday.  Shouldn’t there be something else?  A blinding moment of clarity?  The “aha” moment that changes my life path forever?

This is just like the movie endings I hate…

• the one where the couple that’s been kept apart finally realizes they love each other and share that sickly sweet smile and move in for the kiss (screen fades out),
• or where the house might still be haunted even though the creepy exorcist lady announces “my work here is done” (TV flickers on),
• or the tough chicks that learn all about life and find themselves (and Brad Pitt’s abs) suddenly drive their convertible off the cliff (we don’t even get to see the crash).  

All of these things make me ask “WHAT NEXT”?!   Things just end in the movies and they don’t in real life. 

I have new, perky breasts and I’m cancer free but where is my battle? Now that I know cancer won’t be killing me anytime soon, can I still live each day as if it were my last, prioritizing the things that really matter the most?  What is going to keep me grounded and centered so I never forget that it’s OK to let the floor get dirty, let produce go bad in the fridge, run out of dish soap, forget a friend’s birthday, or leave the bed unmade (actually that never happens regardless – I could lose a limb and still insist on making the bed).  What will remind me to patiently sit by Gavin, stroking his hair until he falls asleep even though a thousand “to dos” are running through my head?  Or to just appreciate the lakes, the sunshine, the flowers, my friends, Brian’s blue eyes, and Julia’s freckles? 

“She said she usually cried at least once each day not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful and life was so short” – “Bittersweet” by Brian Andreas (www.storypeople.com)

So here is my plan.  You are all my accountability partners.  If we find ourselves taking things that really don’t matter too seriously we have to call each other out.  I think we need a mantra.  This is work in progress so feel free to jump in with comments.

“Breathe.  This too shall pass.  What will I do today that really matters?”

Love and saline -

Out of the blue this AM Gavin comes up with that zinger. And in keeping with my policy of telling him the truth I said “yes they can get it too”. I then asked him if he was worried about it and he said he was. I told him that I went through testing and that he did not have the gene that causes cancer. He got the gene for blonde hair, blue eyes, ticklish feet, and asking lots of questions but NOT the gene for cancer.

I asked him if that made sense and he told me I was blocking his view of the TV. Guess that means we’re good right?

That’s a direct quote from the movie Ghostbusters in case you’re wondering.  I’m just about to doze off into another percocet-induced slumber but want everyone to know that I just found out I am cancer free!  It didn’t show up anywhere in the additional biopsy. 

I think this means that my friend michelle f is going to pull out the drainage tubes here is a few minutes so we can start marathon training.  OK just kidding… but it won’d be much longer til I’m back on the road and acting extreme again!

Thanks to all of you for your prayers, thoughts and support.  I promise to write at least one more blog post toally loaded so you can all laugh again.  I’m gotten some great feedback on the last one.  Apparantely I also text in French while under the influence. 

Aloha,

I wanted to give everyone a quick update today but I’m still heavily medicated and can’t seem to it the right keys. Obviously perocet, valium and antibiotis don’t mis all that well with me. I know I’ve also been home for few hours but I’m bored.  Even catching up on facebook is touch because I can’t remember peoples’ name very well.  Good drugs eh?

The doc want to do 400 ccs in eadh sde during the sureruy but opted out as he thought they might look too big from y frame;  bumner eh? 

Look like I’m stuck here al week, or at leat until I get the drianage tubes replace.  Nothin like wandering around with two buckets o blood that are draining from under your armpit  EW! 

Thanks agin to all of the suppters of the event and our tea .  I’m about to fall asledp again am O cammpt see, tp jit te rigt keS!

The surgery went well yesterday and apparanly there was les “futzng around” as the surgeo put it,  Doen’t it ssem odd to be unconsious and yet they are sittig me up and down to make sure i’m lined up properly. They even did a nipple augmentation to make sure I’m no longer lop-sidedl

I got home from the hospital this morning and am tring to get caught on my emails. I woluln’t reommend trying this, especailly when I’m on percocet and valuin. If anyone wants some cheap enterainment be sure to visit mel

Lastly, I’m still waiting on biops test to know fore sure that it’s all gone Keep the prayers nd posibe thoughts coming my was.

Sorry. I’m not talking about a new tatoo. I went to my pre-op visit today where I was told the plastic surgeon would do “markings”. In my mind, that meant a little black “x” or two on the boobs. I was quite wrong.

"Inked!"

Seriously. Was all this necessary? I feel like the white board in our conference room after the developers have been outlining a new application.

What do these lines mean anyway?

• This end up
• Boobs straight ahead!
• I should’ve been an artist instead of a plastic surgeon
• Hey… a triangle. 

And one last vent.  Wouldn’t you tell a patient before she arrived that she might not want to wear something low cut since she’s going to be covered by sharpie?  I had to go to lunch with my Grandmother immediately following the markings and yes, I had on a v-neck sweater! 

Hopefully the markings mean something to the team tomorrow.  I’m scheduled for new Foobs at 1 PM tomorrow.  Goodbye expanders & Hello cleavage. 

In addition to new foobs, I get another biopsy on Friday to find out if the cancer is gone or not. I find myself plagued by strange dreams. Suddenly I’m on the free throw line in the NCAA finals, we’re down by 1 and there’s no time left on the clock. It’s up to me if we’re going to win, tie or lose and the other coach is trying to freeze me out by using up his timeouts one after another. I wait and wait and wait, knowing that I’m horrible at free throws and imagining every possible outcome. I wake up exhausted.

Anxiety has been my nemesis for the past 6 months. She steals my sleep and winds up my brain until its running in an endless loop of scenarios. She picks away at my logic center brilliantly, whispering “what if?” over and over. She puts the things I love the most in front of my mind’s eye and then takes them away so I almost start to panic over a loss that has not happened. She flashes pictures of my son’s future without a mother in front of my face daily. Anxiety is a bitch. She takes what I love about the future, the mystery of it, and makes it seem dark and scary.

But not right now. The coffee is hot and the sun is shining. I own today and I get to choose what I’m going to do with it and what I’m going to think about. I remind myself that I love the unknowns, the changes and the challenges. Whatever happens on Friday I will be OK.

“life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all” – Helen Keller.

Thank you all for your positive energy, thoughts, prayers and donations. Team Tata succeeded and conquered the course, which I think is the hardest course I’ve run. From bridges over the intercoastal (twice btw – there & back), to an onramp that is angled (also twice) to a stretch of sand along the ocean, this is not an easy run.

The entire course seemed to be pink and the spectators decorated their houses with breasts cancer awareness flair. Their cheers plus the signs on the backs of other runners kept us all motivating and moving. Over 10,000 people ran this year and every one has been touched by breast cancer in some way. Shirts read “In memory of… in honor of… I’m running for….” and my favorite, the mom who had a big picture of her baby on the back of her shirt with the words “I’m running so she never has to go through what I did”.

Steph and I completed the half marathon, had our beer (the best tasting bud light in the world) and then made our way back to the relay team meeting point. A couple hours and some heat stroke later, our last relay runner made it to the check point and we all jumped back on the course (including Mindy’s two little girls) and ran the last 100 yards to the finish together. I can’t wait to see the picture of Team Tata plus 2 crossing the finish line, hands linked, faces red and hearts bursting.

I’ll post some photos as soon as I get home. It was rough but I feel ready for my surgery and final biopsy on Friday. I will tell the doctors “this is nothing… I ran 13.1 miles last weekend”!

Aloha –

We’re here!  We arrived in Jacksonville on Friday night and went immediately to the convention center to pick up our race packets and browse the latest in breast cancer fashion.  Imagine an entire hall covered in pink with references to boobs everywhere.  I was in my element and decided to wear my new shirt:  “Yes they’re fake! (My real ones tried to kill me)”.  It received mixed reactions and I realized how brave I’ll have to be should I choose to go out in public in it in West Michigan.  My cousin’s husband read it and said “it’s like looking at the sun…” 

Instead of resting up today we decided to go paddle boarding on the Intercoastal.  We shimmied into borrowed wet suits and giggled and giggled… and this is before we got into the freezing cold water.  3 team members kayaked and 3 attempted the stand up boards.  Yes – there is video!   Now we’re off to fuel up on pasta and talk relay strategy.  It really is a lot of work to plan.

It still doesn’t seem real to me.  This is my third year here and I was always in the support role.  I can’t quite seem to accept that now I’m one of the survivors… the survivors made me well up with tears last year every time I passed one of them on the course.  Now it’s me.  weird. 

I will work on a sign for my back that says “caution – slow runner – running with expanders” so no one runs me off the road.  I know I’ll finish it and hope to finish it well, but then again I may have a huge meltdown on the finish line.  Who knows?  I am a planner and a bit of a control freak and it’s driving me crazy that I cannot predict how I’ll cross the line.  Happy?  Sad?  Angry? Motivated? Driven?  Tired?  All of the above?  I know this… I’ll need a beer!

Most of you have read how upset I was to find that I had to wait until February 26th to find out I don’t have cancer anymore (and get rid of these rock hard expanders!). But I calmed down because I understood that doctors are busy and that other people need to be helped too. I also knew that mine required the coordination of two doctor’s schedules, the plastic surgeon and the breast surgeon. The plastic surgeon to rebuild me and the breast surgeon to remove this extra thin slice of tissue between the implant and my skin to check for any rouge cancer cells.

Imagine my surprise when I got a call last week from the plastic surgeon’s office saying “Your breast surgeon is no longer available on 2/26 but that’s OK. The plastic surgeon can do both procedures. If you want the breast surgeon however, we’ll have to push back the date again.”

Hold the phone. Did she really say that? Have I been waiting all this time for a 2-doctor procedure that really only ever needed one doctor? Do they want to see my head explode too? This message from the same woman that looked me in the eye when doing the first scheduling and said “I understand your concern and your desire to get this done quickly. I have to wait for the breast surgeon’s scheduler, but as soon as I coordinate things I’ll call you.”

WHY wouldn’t they suggest that one doctor, the plastic surgeon, do this all in the first place? Especially knowing how anxious I felt about the whole deal? I know my doctors want the best for me and they’ve been great in communicating everything… it’s the staff at these places that might drive me to drink (more).

Is there a class on problem-solving or critical thinking that should be required before you are able to take a position at a medical facility? There should be. Something, some thought must be in their minds that puts the patients’ needs before the PROCESS of scheduling an appointment.

I’m breathing and pouring another glass of wine.